I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow and I hope it bleeds all day long

What a weekend. LSU wins the season opener, Janet finds this blog, and I came home to a room that was essentially me in every aspect of the word.

So I'll start from the beginning. Saturday saw the start of a great day: We had a keg ready at 3:00 sharp, and proceeded to laze around drinking steadily for the next six and a half hours. Richard, Travis, John, Joe, Mike Jones, Sherman, and eventually a bunch more people joined in closer to the start of the LSU/Washington match. Janet and Becca came over, with the sole intent of hooking Becca up with Richard (which went beautifully, I hear). Of course, they drank too much too quickly (Becca more so than Janet, who had to take care of the former shortly after they got there) which culminated in Janet locking herself and Becca in my room/bathroom while I stayed outside to watch the game with the party. Janet entertained herself by looking through my history for porn (which she's convinced she found, and doesn't believe that I stumbled upon the same page a few times in a row) which I laughed off and went back for the 2nd quarter. Around halftime, when I was told to come check on them, I walked in to Janet with teary eyes and a roll of toilet paper in lieu of tissues. On screen was this blog. She was about halfway through reading it.

The only thing she said for five straight minutes, in between sobs, was "I'm so sorry."

I had really secretly hoped she would read these entries, dating back to mid-December when most of the situation got out of hand. I had hoped, also, that she would never read them because I didn't want her to have to go through that. It was a mixed moment for me. I was on the verge of tears and yet I wasn't. She kept reading until she got to the one entry where I mention liking Carlyn in one paragraph. She said she couldn't read anymore and didn't know that I liked her.

I told her there was once a time when I had no hope and tried to move on. Then I pointed out that I had quickly abandoned that notion as well, because I wouldn't have come back to her. She read a few more entries after that, particularly the one I wrote after we said "I love you" the first time and such. She said she was sorry repeatedly that night and once the next morning, but I've long since forgiven her.

That morning, we had to drive back home for her bridesmaid fitting and my bi-monthly return home. Since she and Becca were going to church, I just went to her place later to get her car and drove myself back to Abita. I walked into my room, which I've been told repeatedly has been completely cleaned. And how right they were. The rug was visible, there was no clutter by my closet, and even my books in the closet bookshelf had been arranged somewhat by age. It felt really weird. I looked around my room and saw all these things that I used to know when I was a completely different person. When I was younger, naive, separate from who I am now. First place ribbons, placards I had won were now hanging on what little wall space I had. Hats were strung above my closet, jewelery and watches arranged in the top drawers of my dressers. The shelves outside my closet arranged from younger to older from top to bottom. It was obvious that my family had put a lot of effort into making sure everything looked like they had always imagined. My desk was clean and even the drawers under it were arranged perfectly. It was the same room, but completely different. I was everywhere in that place. I kind of didn't want to leave the next morning. Looking at any square inch of it is a look into my childhood innocence. It was beautiful

I only have two pictures, but they show somewhat what the place now looks like. I can't really put it into words, but it invoked emotions of both happiness and sadness.




Welcome home.

Today's song comes courtesy of the shuffle option on my iPod. Part of a concept album (Tallahassee) by The Mountain Goats, the storyline follows a couple who move into a dilapidated house in Tallahassee, Florida (symbolizing their marriage falling apart). They end up drinking themselves to death by the end, but in the middle comes the song "No Children":

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a fail-safe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town
Again in my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
Yeah I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die